Search for Why?

happiness quoteI am on my own personal search for “Why”?  I have learned many valuable lessons over the last two years that have allowed me to TRULY restart blogging.   I began my website when I was inspired by a freeing change in my life that allowed me the opportunity to simply search for who I am.  Now, I am still searching but for the “why”.  Stepping back and looking at my life through a different lens has been refreshing. Before, I did not want to revisit my past.  No particular reason except it was not interesting enough to bother. This was very hard to grasp as I never felt as if my life was uninteresting.  I was caught up in trying to create unique traditions for my children to cherish and to count on so they remember the dynamic upbringing that I gave them.  I never realized how my children became my life’s hopes and dreams. I gave up on my personal hopes and dreams and focused only on what is the best path for my children.  I wanted no wrong turns or bad decisions.  Unrealistic, yes, but I took my time to research, explore and decide and then implement.  It was worth it!

Now my search begins… I am having a difficult time staying focused on how I should invest my time.  I have so many things I want to do… Long term… I want to learn more about building brand awareness, helping non-profits organizations, web development (build a plugin/outline a mobile app) and new community projects. In other words, education! Short term… storage issues resolved (memorabilia and my boxes of past project materials), decide on the colors I want surrounding me, plan my stairwell theme, stage my home for Thanksgiving (cheaply) and complete my Christmas shopping before December. In other words, material things!

So… in the meantime, I will enjoy every minute with the people I love.  I will strive to put myself in situations that will allow me to broaden my education and I will make an effort to surround myself with items that help me do the first two… 🙂

Think I will start here



No one prepared me for what I have experienced this past week! My youngest daughter had a knee reconstruction surgery better known as ACL and meniscus repair. It was very easy to have a MRI to determine what needed to be repaired. It was easy to schedule a routine second opinion. It was relatively easy to decide on the surgeon. Better yet, the date of surgery was penciled in on a business card that I could easily transfer to my Google calendar. We were all set. Everything had essentially been taken care of and all I simply had to do was wake up and take my daughter to the very convenient surgery center at 5:30am to finally begin her road to recovery.

Then… It hit me. My 17 year old daughter would be undergoing major surgery and I need to be concerned with her being put to sleep, reactions with the medications, what kind of support I will be strong enough to offer (become jello around needles/doctors/wounds etc.) and simply what do we do next. We have never had surgeries before. We have been blessed with health and we simply don’t get sick. What should I expect? Oh no… I will have it rely on others opinions, suggestions and decisions!

It happened… I am in full melt-down mode. Wait! I forgot to read my “Jesus Calling” daily devotional, forgot to let the family know the times of surgery, learned that my disconnected ex-husband would be meeting us at the surgery center and I did not eat or drink anything after midnight so to not tempt my daughter! You get the picture?

I drove my daughter to the surgery center, earlier than expected, checked in, paid my expected co-pay, settled into my waiting room make shift desk and proceeded to login into the FREE WIFI. I was prepared, confident and calm just like my devotional prompted me.

Door opened and “Stock” was called out. Here we go. My daughter was calm, polite and quite charming. The nurses, staff and doctors were terrific. My ex-husband blended into the walls and I was blown away by the sense of peace the consumed me. The process was beginning and I had all the confidence in the world in everyone and everything around me. Wow… No worries. What a feeling!

I say my goodbyes with a little tear of confusion, walk gingerly to the waiting area, grab a cup of coffee and then…my backpack slides off my arm jiggling the coffee enough to spill over my hand and onto my pants. I quickly pat up excess coffee and attempt to make it to the desired seat in the waiting room and my ex-husband sits in MY seat! A sign that i chose to pretend it was not important. Settled into a seat next to the wall and proceed to login to the FREE WIFI so I can begin my day with my dream morning online experience. WIFI did not work and desk staff only have posted the password code for the day on the wall but have no understanding of the workings. Of course, I can use my poser iPhone. I had one bar reception and for some reason the battery decided it was time to surge for no apparent reason. Unconnected but still holding on to the hope I can watch a WordPress tutorial or catch up on my Google reader. My ex-husband, whom has little to no understanding of the value of the Internet, has flawless Internet access and an iPhone! Why? Just another sign that I need to ignore. Getting harder… Surgery center phone rang and a pre-teen answered the phone as if was HER BFF was calling. No, instead it was hear “Stock, that is not my name” then hanging up the phone. I could not get to the child and phone fast enough because of my seating arrangement, the enormous amount of junk I brought with me to causally work on during the procedure and my remaining coffee. When I finally was able to get out of my suffocating web, prevent me from worrying shelter, I walk around as if I have a real pressing task at hand. Thank God, my cell phone alerts me to a text. My partner has gives me a great distraction! He reminds me to read my devotional, talks to me about minor creative changes we were trying to resolve on our new WordPress site ,injects some humor and allows me to feel in useful! That’s it. I need to feel useful. After I toying with all the additional, ridiculous, odd but humorous incidents of the day, I realize and wonder why today and these obstacles?

I can tell you that my 17 yr. old daughter has survived the surgery, mastered the crutches, simply is the best patient ever and WE are going to be stronger for it.

Until… The insurance company … I will just say… Expect obstacles!